COPYCAT RANCH- JUNE 2009

For my parents’ generation it might have been Italian (pronounced EYE-tallion by some), but for most of us born in the 70’s and on it has been Ranch Dressing. Sure, I can vaguely remember a time before Ranch, but just barely. And Ranch isn’t simply a salad dressing. It’s a dipping sauce, it’s a condiment, it’s a food flavor with its own sub-flavors e.g. cool, zesty, fiery. But, aside from buttermilk, I never really thought about what was in Ranch Sure, you can buy the original packet of dry ingredients and add buttermilk to it, but I needed to make a from scratch recipe.

So, I scoured the internet for ideas. Ultimately, I came to find that MSG was the secret ingredient. Unlike others I am an MSG hater. So, I concocted my own list of ingredients:

½ cup Crème Fraiche

½ cup mayonnaise

¼ cup buttermilk

1tsp Cilantro (minced)

1tsp Parsley (minced)

2TBSP Onion paste

2TBSP Garlic paste

1TBSP Lime juice

Kosher salt (to taste)

Cracked pepper (to taste)

1tsp Red wine vinegar

Most of the recipes I found called for sour cream. I felt that using Crème Fraiche would satisfy my uppity, foody instincts. So, I made my own. This is the first time I’ve ever made Crème Fraiche that actually set up.

I think the secret was that I used buttermilk as opposed to sour cream. Simple recipe really:

2 cups heavy whipping cream

¼ cup buttermilk

Let sit at room temp for 24 hours.

Regardless, I was also able to purchase and use a new kitchen gadget. A citrus reamer.

I’ve wanted one of these low-tech gadgets for a very long time and finally parted with the five ninety nine needed to get one. It proved to be everything I had dreamed i.e. it reamed. I highly recommend getting one.

So, I added all of the ingredients together and tweaked and tweaked. Don’t be afraid of the salt. It does a pretty good job of substituting for the demon MSG. The concoction I came up with could pass for Ranch anywhere.

The initial taste is very nearly identical, but the finish is lighter and more subtle. I think I would use white vinegar next time, and there was a bit of onion aftertaste. So, maybe dried onions. Overall, though, this a Ranch you can be proud to dip your carrots in.

Or if you like me, just drink it straight.

It’s like liquid manna.

COPYCAT RANCH- JUNE 2009

For my parents’ generation it might have been Italian (pronounced EYE-tallion by some), but for most of us born in the 70’s and on it has been Ranch Dressing. Sure, I can vaguely remember a time before Ranch, but just barely. And Ranch isn’t simply a salad dressing. It’s a dipping sauce, it’s a condiment, it’s a food flavor with its own sub-flavors e.g. cool, zesty, fiery. But, aside from buttermilk, I never really thought about what was in Ranch Sure, you can buy the original packet of dry ingredients and add buttermilk to it, but I needed to make a from scratch recipe.

So, I scoured the internet for ideas. Ultimately, I came to find that MSG was the secret ingredient. Unlike others I am an MSG hater. So, I concocted my own list of ingredients:

½ cup Crème Fraiche

½ cup mayonnaise

¼ cup buttermilk

1tsp Cilantro (minced)

1tsp Parsley (minced)

2TBSP Onion paste

2TBSP Garlic paste

1TBSP Lime juice

Kosher salt (to taste)

Cracked pepper (to taste)

1tsp Red wine vinegar

Most of the recipes I found called for sour cream. I felt that using Crème Fraiche would satisfy my uppity, foody instincts. So, I made my own. This is the first time I’ve ever made Crème Fraiche that actually set up.

I think the secret was that I used buttermilk as opposed to sour cream. Simple recipe really:

2 cups heavy whipping cream

¼ cup buttermilk

Let sit at room temp for 24 hours.

Regardless, I was also able to purchase and use a new kitchen gadget. A citrus reamer.

I’ve wanted one of these low-tech gadgets for a very long time and finally parted with the five ninety nine needed to get one. It proved to be everything I had dreamed i.e. it reamed. I highly recommend getting one.

So, I added all of the ingredients together and tweaked and tweaked. Don’t be afraid of the salt. It does a pretty good job of substituting for the demon MSG. The concoction I came up with could pass for Ranch anywhere.

The initial taste is very nearly identical, but the finish is lighter and more subtle. I think I would use white vinegar next time, and there was a bit of onion aftertaste. So, maybe dried onions. Overall, though, this a Ranch you can be proud to dip your carrots in.

Or if you like me, just drink it straight.

It’s like liquid manna.

Windex

Lest we forget that cooking involves not only solids, but liquids as well. And as we all know, the best liquids are alcoholic liquids. For this cooking challenge I chose to to copycat Windex. Because really, who hasn't been cleaning windows some day and taken a long look at that bottle and said, "I bet this tastes like a cool ocean breeze." But just like the ocean, Windex can be a fickle lover....both can kill you if enjoyed in the wrong way. Although I personally would rather die from chugging a bottle of Windex than taking a chance of a jellyfish latching onto my crotch.

As Stubs knows, I've been down this road before many moons ago. I first came across a recipe for a drink called 'Windex' in an esteemed collection of drinks entitled "Donna Sue's Down Home Trailer Park Bartender's Guide". If you haven't explored this volume before, you really should. Donna Sue is regarded as the Julia Child of alcoholic drinks. Well, by me at least. So, Stubs and I have sampled Donna Sue's version of Windex before....and it's pretty much undrinkable. So for this challenge I wanted to make a drinkable version of Windex.....because that's just how I roll. I also wanted to remove the tequila from the recipe which Donna Sue includes because nothing good has ever resulted from drinking tequila. Nothing.

After considering my options, my final lineup included:



My version of Windex includes:

1 oz vodka
1 oz rum
1 1/2 oz blue curacoa
1/2 gin (I used Tanqueray because it's slightly sweet)
1/2 oz lime juice (fresh preferable, but it was late)
splash of triple sec

Some of my logic here was to include gin because I like it. Donna Sue has gin in her recipe, but others exclude it. I added a splash of triple sec to take the edge off the gin and lime juice. Here's some action photos:




I think you'll agree it looks just like Windex.

Verdict



The first sip was a bit harsh, but that could be because I wasn't ready for it. The lime juice was a bit harsh and I would use fresh if I could. After the initial harshness it turned into a pretty enjoyable drink and something you can add to your recipe book as a novelty drink. Definitely enjoyable. I still think it needs a little something to bring the edge off that is a bit sweet, but not as orangey as triple sec. I haven't figured it out yet. But by God, I'll keep trying. I may not make it to work tomorrow, but I'll keep trying.

Does it taste like Windex? Hell, I don't know. Maybe. There's some idiots drinking Windex on YouTube, but I wasn't going to do it. But you get to drink something blue and it will make you feel pretty good.

Windex

Lest we forget that cooking involves not only solids, but liquids as well. And as we all know, the best liquids are alcoholic liquids. For this cooking challenge I chose to to copycat Windex. Because really, who hasn't been cleaning windows some day and taken a long look at that bottle and said, "I bet this tastes like a cool ocean breeze." But just like the ocean, Windex can be a fickle lover....both can kill you if enjoyed in the wrong way. Although I personally would rather die from chugging a bottle of Windex than taking a chance of a jellyfish latching onto my crotch.

As Stubs knows, I've been down this road before many moons ago. I first came across a recipe for a drink called 'Windex' in an esteemed collection of drinks entitled "Donna Sue's Down Home Trailer Park Bartender's Guide". If you haven't explored this volume before, you really should. Donna Sue is regarded as the Julia Child of alcoholic drinks. Well, by me at least. So, Stubs and I have sampled Donna Sue's version of Windex before....and it's pretty much undrinkable. So for this challenge I wanted to make a drinkable version of Windex.....because that's just how I roll. I also wanted to remove the tequila from the recipe which Donna Sue includes because nothing good has ever resulted from drinking tequila. Nothing.

After considering my options, my final lineup included:



My version of Windex includes:

1 oz vodka
1 oz rum
1 1/2 oz blue curacoa
1/2 gin (I used Tanqueray because it's slightly sweet)
1/2 oz lime juice (fresh preferable, but it was late)
splash of triple sec

Some of my logic here was to include gin because I like it. Donna Sue has gin in her recipe, but others exclude it. I added a splash of triple sec to take the edge off the gin and lime juice. Here's some action photos:




I think you'll agree it looks just like Windex.

Verdict



The first sip was a bit harsh, but that could be because I wasn't ready for it. The lime juice was a bit harsh and I would use fresh if I could. After the initial harshness it turned into a pretty enjoyable drink and something you can add to your recipe book as a novelty drink. Definitely enjoyable. I still think it needs a little something to bring the edge off that is a bit sweet, but not as orangey as triple sec. I haven't figured it out yet. But by God, I'll keep trying. I may not make it to work tomorrow, but I'll keep trying.

Does it taste like Windex? Hell, I don't know. Maybe. There's some idiots drinking Windex on YouTube, but I wasn't going to do it. But you get to drink something blue and it will make you feel pretty good.

El Diablo and The Copy Cat Challenge

James Bednar 6/28/09

Day 1. What do I like? What do I want to copy? For uncounted minutes, I searched my thoughts to no avail. I'll sleep on it.

Day 2. Waking brought no answers to my quest. Breakfast will help. As I sat down to eat, I thought I saw the answer before me in the form of Morningstar Sausage Links. I had a good grasp on the basic mixture, yet a detail remained: How do they get the links in that smooth, cylindrical shape? The problem continued to dog me, whereupon I felt a nudge on my thigh. I looked down and there sat Ajax.


Begging. Or so I thought. For when I broke off a small bit of vegetarian sausage link to feed him, he let out an uncanny half-bark half-moan. It sounded like this: "El Diablo."

And there it was. Forget the sausage links. I'll make Diablos instead.

Day N. (At this point the days become blurred.) The Diablo is a jalapeno stuffed with shrimp and Monterey Jack cheese and then wrapped in bacon. I became acquainted with Diablos at Judge Bean's Barbeque in Nashville, TN.


The implements are as important as the ingredients. Both are pictured here:

NOTE: rubbing your eyes while handling Jalapenos is not recommended. Gloves are not necessary, but if you don't use them, be sure to wash your hands thoroughly when you're finished. More important is the chopstick. After cutting off the Jalapeno stem, use the chopstick to remove the seeds and such. Then cut a slit in the pepper and insert shrimp:

Next, pack the pepper with Monterey Jack cheese, wrap with half a strip of bacon, and secure with a toothpick, like so:

Cooking Methods. I explored two methods. Oven: I baked the Diablos at 400 for ten minutes, then turned on the broiler until they were crisp (about 5 minutes). Grill: toss 'em on and stand back. As you can see, they live up to their name on the grill:

Observations. Cooked in the oven, the Diablos were rather mild. Cooked on the grill, the Diablos most definitely were not. What explains the difference? As we pondered this mystery through our tears, a friend from Texas opined "The higher the temperature at which you cook peppers, the hotter they get." True, higher temperatures make things hotter, but I didn't find this remark particularly expositive. Alas, the mystery remains. And so too remains the mystery of how Morningstar Sausage Links get that smooth, cylindrical shape.

El Diablo and The Copy Cat Challenge

James Bednar 6/28/09

Day 1. What do I like? What do I want to copy? For uncounted minutes, I searched my thoughts to no avail. I'll sleep on it.

Day 2. Waking brought no answers to my quest. Breakfast will help. As I sat down to eat, I thought I saw the answer before me in the form of Morningstar Sausage Links. I had a good grasp on the basic mixture, yet a detail remained: How do they get the links in that smooth, cylindrical shape? The problem continued to dog me, whereupon I felt a nudge on my thigh. I looked down and there sat Ajax.


Begging. Or so I thought. For when I broke off a small bit of vegetarian sausage link to feed him, he let out an uncanny half-bark half-moan. It sounded like this: "El Diablo."

And there it was. Forget the sausage links. I'll make Diablos instead.

Day N. (At this point the days become blurred.) The Diablo is a jalapeno stuffed with shrimp and Monterey Jack cheese and then wrapped in bacon. I became acquainted with Diablos at Judge Bean's Barbeque in Nashville, TN.


The implements are as important as the ingredients. Both are pictured here:

NOTE: rubbing your eyes while handling Jalapenos is not recommended. Gloves are not necessary, but if you don't use them, be sure to wash your hands thoroughly when you're finished. More important is the chopstick. After cutting off the Jalapeno stem, use the chopstick to remove the seeds and such. Then cut a slit in the pepper and insert shrimp:

Next, pack the pepper with Monterey Jack cheese, wrap with half a strip of bacon, and secure with a toothpick, like so:

Cooking Methods. I explored two methods. Oven: I baked the Diablos at 400 for ten minutes, then turned on the broiler until they were crisp (about 5 minutes). Grill: toss 'em on and stand back. As you can see, they live up to their name on the grill:

Observations. Cooked in the oven, the Diablos were rather mild. Cooked on the grill, the Diablos most definitely were not. What explains the difference? As we pondered this mystery through our tears, a friend from Texas opined "The higher the temperature at which you cook peppers, the hotter they get." True, higher temperatures make things hotter, but I didn't find this remark particularly expositive. Alas, the mystery remains. And so too remains the mystery of how Morningstar Sausage Links get that smooth, cylindrical shape.

"Dirty Pit" Chicken

Greetings to one and all. It is good to connect with you all once again. I was pretty excited to post this recipe for this month's challenge because the theme is awesome and I happened to come across a copycat recipe that is just like "Port-O-Pit" chicken. Then, I found out by talking to Stubs on the telephone, that he's never even heard of "Port-O-Pit" chicken before. So, that's when it dawned on me that this awesome dish is probably a Northern Indiana phenomenon and probably can't be appreciated for the awesomeness that it truly is because many (or all) of you will not have been able to sample just how close in taste and texture this dish is to the real deal. "Port-O-Pit" chicken (sometimes called "Nelson's Golden Glow" chicken) is literally sold to patrons on the road side up here in St. Joseph county. It is basically a portable smoking pit that is run by a catering company which is then hired by special interest groups to cook chicken for them. So, it is fund raising gimmick. However, there is no gimmick in the way that this chicken smells and tastes.

The aroma of this savory smoked dish is usually the first sign of spring of here and really is the primary marketing tool. The smell alone makes you want to stop driving, pull over to the Port-O-Pit stand, and fork over the $6 for a half chicken. I can talk to you about how great this dish until the cows back from pasture but it isn't going to do me any good to do so unless you've had it before. So, I am going to get a little creative here by telling you the story of how to make this classic dish - Quentin Tarantino style; in reverse chronological order, that is.

*****

My disclaimer is that cooking and eating this dish can produce some serious side effects. I am, therefore, obligated to list as many of them here as possible with visual aids so that you will know and understand the potential dangers involved with cooking and eating this fine dish.

This dish will make you want to drink copious amounts of alcoholic beverages and wield dangerous objects in every single photograph:








It will make you wish that you were a ninja:



It will make you rip your favorite Tony Hawk knock off shirt:



And it will give you superhuman abilities to catch a thrown beer in a single bound:



If you can accept that these side effects might become a part of your experience when making this dish, then feel free to read further.

True Port-O-Pit chicken is traditionally made from split breasts. That's usually $1.49/lb. for grocery store fare. We opted to use leg quarters instead and bought it from a local butcher shop for $.89/lb. All said and done, we bought 20 leg quarters for about ten bucks. You will also need to own or borrow a smoker as well. We used a simple charcoal heated smoker that your can see in the foreground of the very first picture. Those are cheap. Meijer had that exact style on sale for $35 last weekend so it's definitely worth the trouble of getting one so you get this chicken smoked up with some good flavor.

The end result of all that smoky goodness is seen here to the left. Use the charcoal to get your heat up and use water soaked wood chips to get your smoke. The wood we used for this recipe was plain old hickory but I am sure that mesquite would taste awesome as well. The cooking time needed to get your chicken to look like it does in this photo is around 1 hr. and 20 min. at a heat of 220 degrees. I know that does not sound like we cooked it long enough and that the chicken should be raw but it truly is not. The reason is that the chicken is partially poached the day before you actually put it in the smoker. Therefore, smoking it only finishes the chicken's cooking cycle. We recommend that you baste the chicken at least 3 or 4 times during the smoking process using the marinade that the chicken was poached in during the preparation step the day before. Here are some photos of the chicken on the smoker before it reaches its full flavor.






Here are some video reviews of how our dish turned out:








I know that you are now fully convinced that this is going to be a great dish for you to cook so I will now proceed with listing the secret ingredients to the marinade:



But seriously:



Really seems too simple when all is said and done. The marinade for our 20 leg quarters was:

1 quart of vinegar
1 quart of water
1 cup of kosher salt
2 Tablespoons of ground black pepper
2 pounds of butter
2 tablespoons of MSG or (Accent)
2 tablespoons of Worchester Sauce -- Lee and Perrins --- all else is crap.

Don't be an MSG hater. That stuff you hear about causing migrane headaches and the such is all myth. Pour it into your marinade. You won't be sorry. Incorporate these ingredients into a stock pot on your stove and bring to a boil. Reduce temperature to medium heat, add your raw chicken quarters, and cover. Poach the chicken in the marinade for about 10-20 minutes to allow the chicken to partially cook and incorporate all of the ingredients. We poached our quarters for about 10 minutes so we could smoke it longer if we needed to do so.

Remove from heat allow to come to room temperature and then put the whole stock pot in the refrigerator (covered) to marinade over night. Be sure to reserve some of the marinade separately so you can baste the chicken on the smoker the following day. Enjoy!




P.S. Special thanks to Chef Brian Haas for allowing me to use his recipe here and for hosting our party. Additionally, I'd like to thank Melvin Bush, Sean Heckaman, and Aaron (psycho killer) Redman for attending the event and sampling the cuisine.