Hot Cross Buns- Brooke- April 09

Ingredients:
3/4 cup milk
1 package (1/4 oz.) active dry yeast
1/2 teaspoon sugar
3 ½ cup flour
1/4 cup light brown sugar
1-2 teaspoons cinnamon
1/4 teaspoon cloves
1/4 teaspoon nutmeg
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
1/4 cup unsalted butter, room temperature
2 eggs
1/2 to 3/4 cup raisins, dried currants, cranberries

PLUS
Glaze: 1 egg, 1 tablespoon milk
Icing: 1/2 cup powdered sugar, 1 tablespoon milk
(In the ingredients photo, I forgot to show the regular sugar and there are only 2 eggs pictured. Oops.)

This recipe was adapted from a family Christmas hot cross buns recipe… I added vanilla extract, deleted some extraneous spices, used my pan-of-water bread baking technique, and, well, changed the shape into a butt.

Instructions:

Heat the 3/4 cup milk in a saucepan over low until lukewarm, then pour into a bowl and add the yeast and 1/2 teaspoon sugar. Mix and let it sit until foamy, about 10 minutes. What the hell does “foamy yeast” look like? Well, I tried to get a picture for ya. It’s like the frothy top of a tasty lager.

Now, I have to tell you that I have a real aversion to electric mixers. So I mix by hand… Combine the flour, brown sugar, spices (I used extra cinnamon, ‘cause that’s how I roll) and salt in a big bowl. Add the foam-ified yeast a little at a time, beating it together. Add the eggs, one at a time, mixing well. Here’s a photo of the dough looking kind of crumbly at this point.

Gradually add the butter, and it will start to look like bread dough. Once the butter is fully combined and it’s stretchy like dough, flour your hands lightly and smash it into a ball. Take it out of the bowl, put it on a lightly floured surface, put a little more flour on your hands, and knead for 3 minutes. Please don’t beat the shit out of it. Knead it like The Fonz would… coooool… gently, firmly, without breaking a sweat. Next, add in the dried fruit mix by sort of pushing it into the dough, folding, pushing, until it’s all in there.

Place the dough back in the bowl and cover with something. Some use a cloth napkin. I don’t have no fancy cloth napkins, so I use a kitchen towel. Set the bowl in a warm spot, like on top of your oven with the hood light turned on. You will notice that your burners need cleaning. Ignore that for now. Let the dough rise for 90 minutes and it will double in size.

It’s time to form the buns. Remove the covering, and punch down the dough into a manageable ball, and separate it into two equal-sized balls. Round them out and push them together to form an adorable ass shape. I moved some raisins to give the suggestion of a crack. Then, in a little bowl, combine 1 egg with 1 tablespoon of milk and 1 tablespoon melted butter. Brush this glaze over your buns , and then let them rise for another 30 minutes.

Here’s how to bake that booty: Preheat the oven to 400 degrees. During preheating, put 1-2 cups of water in a pan and set it on the bottom rack of the oven. When the oven is preheated, give the buns one more coat of the egg/milk/butter glaze, and then shove ‘em in the oven.

Bake 15 to 20 minutes or until cooked through and shiny brown. If you can’t tell whether the inside is cooked, err on the side of giving it more time. The pan of water prevents it from drying out.

Let it cool for a bit before applying icing. For the icing: Combine powdered sugar with milk to form a thick icing, adding powdered sugar if necessary to make it thicker, and paint cross shapes on the butt cheeks.

That’s it! Now, have yourself a yummy piece of pious ass.

Lee’s review: “Crusty on the outside. Texture a bit more like bread than a roll. Even better with extra icing. Melba toast aftertaste, but in a good way… yeah, that’s crazy, it totally tastes like melba toast.”